Accentuate The Positive

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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"You've got to accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative, Latch on to the affirmative, Don't mess with Mister In Between." Lyrics from an old song written by Johnny Mercer and Howard Arlen.

I discovered recently that I, apparently, have an accent.

Real Texans have an accent too, … they just aren't aware of it I guess.

When some of my more frugal compadres feel the need for an inexpensive vacation, they just ask me to say "Out and about", "Oil", and "Ouch".

Then they lean their heads back and smile.

So what's that all about, eh?

I recently returned home for a vacation, secure in my mind that I would finally be free, temporarily at least, from the linguistic derision I face on an almost daily basis.

I was wrong of course.

You shouldn't go to a place populated with French speaking guys, with that type of unrealistic expectation, even if you did attend high school in the sixties.

The Customs and Immigration Gentleman, wearing the turban, asked me "And what exactly is your citizenship, little Texas guy?" I thought I looked pretty good in burnt orange.

I know I'm a bit naïve, but I thought my accent might have given it away.

I was wrong again. And his accent was even funnier than mine.

So I told him that I'm Canadian, … for now. He looked confused and I suppose, decided a test was in order.

He handed me a pen and told me to spell Quebec. So I asked him if he wanted me to spell it in English or French.

"It is spelled thee same in both of these official languages, Mr.Texas smart guy."

"Yeah but it's got an accent over the "e" in one of them, kinda sorta like you have an accent sir." I replied with a smile.

The RCMP have very nice offices in the airport in Montreal. But they don't seem to have a very refined sense of humor, (which is spelled humour, there), in at least one of those, aforementioned, official languages.

There are times when I am a fairly quick study, so this being, what I figured was one of the times I needed to be that, I became one. As quickly as I could.

After my release from custody, by an absolutely gorgeous, French accented, RCMP chick, I wasted no time in getting out of the building.

Then I went to the car where my sweetie was waiting. She loves my accent.

We met a couple of my siblings for a drink. When I talked, they chuckled. (They don't realize it, but they have accents. Even when they laugh at me.)

To make a long story short, they tell me I have a drawl now, like that is humorous or something.

God, it was good to come back home to Texas after that verbal abuse.

I much prefer the verbal abuse I get here, because I get that in pretty much one accent.

Then I thought about "Fabulous Frank."

When I first met him he told me he was originally from "New Yoke, New Yoke." I told him I didn't want him to feel nervous and he needn't stutter.

If you are the only person in The Woodlands who doesn't know and love Fabulous Frank, he arrived here from New Yoke, New Yoke after a 50 year layover in Joejah, where I'd be willing to wager, everybody knew him. He's shy like me.

But he talks even funnier than the guy at the airport in Montreal who needs a radical turbanectomy.

I know several other people who arrived here from New Yoke, New Yoke. They all talk funny if you ask me. It doesn't matter how long ago they left there.

I mean, it's the only accent on the planet that makes a visit to the pawn shop sound like they were buying dirty movies or something.

They're fun people, but hey guys, lose the accent already. Y'all sound like you're from "Flaarida" for crying out loud.

When I start thinking of all these places that all of these folk are from, I start thinking about all the different, great food you can only get there.

But you can get spaghetti anywhere, and it's always good.

So I'm going to the grocery store to get the ingredients I need to make it, like beef, sausage, tomato sauce, garlic etc.

But I need one more ingredient that draws out the flavor.

Accent™.

Cause I figured out what has been lacking in my sauce.

It was the song that inspired me.

So everybody reading this, put everything else you are doing on hold for just a minute, and join me in the song.

Bing Crosby did it.

Willie Nelson did it too.

Now we all can do it, I unison.

So everybody sing along!

"You've got to, Ac-cent-uate the pasta dish."

"Elim-in-ate the empty dish"

"De-odor-ize the curry dish"

"And sip a little vino in between"

Y'all sound just beautiful!