CHILD WELFARE

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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For the record, I just want I make it absolutely clear to everyone out there that I am NOT the father of the late Anna Nicolle Smith's daughter. For anyone who has been comatose for the past while, she checked out of "The Global Village" recently and has joined Marshall McLuhan, wherever it is you go to when you leave this ridiculous revolving thing we're on.

This sucker is spinning really fast, and some people get a lot dizzier than others. That was her problem I think.

Carl, (a friend of mine), swears he's not the father either, and I for one, believe him. I think that his sweetie Rhonda believes it too, which is very fortunate for him.

I know for certain that my long lost. good buddy Geschlevski isn't the father either because he's too darn busy for that procreation stuff. He always has been, so as a result he was blessed with serenity.

For as far back as I remember he has been blessed with serenity.

I remember, once upon a time, he returned to Canada, from Germany, and he was so serene he couldn't even stand up. He swore it was jet lag, and I still believe him.

I had jet lag myself one time so badly that I had to sleep it off on the local soccer field, so I know what he meant.

I don't know about another of my friends, John, he's disabled, but being the inquisitive type of guy that I am, I asked him if perchance he might be in the running for the "Widower of the Year" award. He didn't reply directly, he just chuckled, with a bit of the devil in his eye, and told me he doesn't kiss and tell. I believe him because I've seen him get kissed a lot, because all the women think he's so sweet, and he never talks about it.

He gloats, …. but he never talks about it.

I think I'm going to try being sweet one day and see if it works as well for me … if I ever get over this jet lag.

I then asked Alton if he was party to the conception of this young girl, but he swore he was making jerky at the time, he had something else "cooking", so to speak. That was a huge relief to me. Besides, Alton would never leave Texas, …even for a Playmate of the Year.

I would ask "Boz", but I know for a fact that he was riding his "Harley" thing at the time.

This investigative reporting thing was getting to be almost as tiring as that jet lag thing, but I continued my quest for truth and knowledge unrelentlessly.

"The people want to know" was my driving force.

I then approached Rich.

"Hey, did you do it?" I asked.

He, like me, is currently "between engagements". Jeez I thought for sure I was getting closer to the truth, and indeed I was because I remembered my sales training telling me that every "no" is one step closer to a "yes". It's easy to sell a salesman. But he swears adamantly he wasn't the one. I've never seen him naked, but I still somehow believe he's telling me the truth.

I remember a time in my life when being the father of a child was something one strove to avoid being.Most kids however, do not a have a multimillion dollar inheritance stapled to them. That one little item, apparently changes attitudes of responsibility in some folks. Go figure.

I saw the other day, that Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband is now claiming to be the father. Maybe he was just Hungary for love or something.

Zsa Zsa once said "A man in love is incomplete until he's married. Then he's finished."

If this claim is true, it would seem that at least one of them wasn't completely aware of reality.

The doors of "paternity heaven" have apparently opened up, and the "un" Saintly are marching in.

In bloody droves!

Pretty soon half of the male population of America will be standing in line for the fitting of the three piece paternity suit. The mind boggles.

I, for one, wouldn't want that responsibility! I couldn't afford the taxes. Even with the kid's money.So the free for all for the cash continues. The money that came from an octogenarian. An octogenarian who is certainly, not the father of this poor child. (I think that would have been assault with a dead weapon or something.)

Just like me, …and Carl, …and Geschlevski, …and Alton, …and Boz, …and Rich.

I hope I haven't missed anyone.

I'm not sure about Bob, because I haven't asked him yet, but he's a family guy, so I'm just going to assume for now.

But anyway, we will one day know the truth about the paternity issue.

But I figured it out.

The money all came from an octogenarian, …which thanks to my investigative reporter training leads me to believe that there is money in being one of those type of people.

So to heck with being a father.

I'm going to be an octogenarian.

But I know I'm not ready yet.

So I'm going to wait, at least until I'm at least eighty, to be one of them.

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