The Scent Of A Woman

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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I have always tried, with varying degrees of success, or unsuccess, to keep a relatively low profile in public places. I'm making a valiant effort to do so at this very moment. But I don't think it's working very well. The eyes of Alton and Dan are upon me, trying to figure out what the heck I am up to here.

They keep looking over and smiling as they are talking. They're probably working on a way to rag on me when I get done with this.

I sure am glad that I don't have any paranoid tendencies, because they scare the heck out of me!

Boyd and Holly like to rag on me too. I think it's because they are from western Canada and they talk funny. Boyd told me he has a friend named Clifford who hates my column. "Clifford says there are idiots everywhere Steve."

"So he reads my column?"

"Yeah, every week. .. He hates it." Holly said.

"Jeez, that hurts Holly" I replied.

I never got the opportunity to meet Clifford when he was in town recently. I am truly sorry about that. I like people from Saskatchewan. I even cheered for the Roughriders for years. So I just wanted to tell Clifford howdy!

Somehow thinking about all of this Saskatchewan stuff made me think of the hometown of the Roughriders, Regina.

Regina is the Latin word for Queen.

Which reminds me of Clark, and the thong flyswatter,

which reminds me of sports,

which reminds me of football,

which reminds me of the Roughriders,

which reminds me that according to Toronto sport writers the Canadian Football League was dead in the seventies,

which reminds me of Latin, which is a dead language,

which reminds me once again, that Regina is the Latin word for Queen,

which reminds me that The Queen of England is a woman, (unlike some of the other queens of this planet).

And then, thinking of women, reminded me of One Draft Phil.

Which reminded me of Rick the Homeland Security guy, who is a friend of ours.
The three of us were having a beer and a great conversation one night recently, when the waitress approached the table to inquire how we were doing. Well to make a long story even longer, we succumbed to her charms and ordered another round.

I think it's one's patriotic duty, to keep the economy chugging away, so that was my reason for placing the order.

I guess chugging begets chugging.

When Heather returned with our order, Rick paid the bill. Then he looked up like a deer caught in headlights of his own BMW.

"Heather. May I ask you a question?" he asked.

"Sure." she replied. "What is it?"

Now before I say anymore, it's very important that everyone knows that Rick is a very happily married man.

"That perfume you're wearing smells very nice. What is it?"

Rick was thinking that if he got the name of it, he'd stop by the store to get some for his wife. A special gift, from the man who adores her. Very romantic.

Well Heather started to giggle, and began to walk away from our table.

Rick called her back. "I'm serious, what is it? It smells really nice. I want to get some for my wife."

Heather smiled sweetly and said, "I was gardening in the yard before I came in. The only thing I have on is bug spray."

It was at that very moment that One Draft Phil morphed into Two Draft Phil. I think the second one filled Phil, because he left.

"Yes, but it smells beautiful," Rick continued, "Which one is it?"

"It's called Off Active." She replied.

"Very apropos, don't you think?" I asked Rick.

He left shortly thereafter, and we haven't seen him since.

Go figure!