Stephen and Davy and Jimmy ... Oh My!!

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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In Texas, the armadillo, nature's own four legged version of the Sherman Tank, rules the countryside. The armadillo is an omnivore, which means that just like a French Canadian, it will eat anything. ... But mostly it eats ants, which, ... if the spelling were slightly different, would still make it just like some French Canadians I have met.

Armadillos native to Texas, are about thirty inches long and six inches in height from the ground to their shoulder, according to information I have read. From what I've actually seen, they are about one and a half inches from the surface of the roadway to their shoulder, with varying tread marks on their backs.

Armadillos move slowly, (everything in Texas moves slowly), except when they are attacked. Then they move faster than an orphan to the dinner table on Christmas.

Armadillos have peg like teeth, big claws and have several burrows they use for mating. When attacked, the armadillo will do either one of two things, run like hell, or roll itself up into a ball, defying the attacker to penetrate its armour.

The more I find out about armadillos, the more certain I am that they are, reincarnated French Canadians who have simply, missed Fort Lauderdale by several hundred miles.

Stephen F. Austin, for whom the Capital City of Texas is named, is considered to be the Father of Texas. Like most other famous Texans, he was an import. Stephen was born in Wythe County Virginia. His father, Moses, had approached the Spanish governor in 1820, to ask permission to settle 300 families in Texas. Aptly named, he died before his plan came to fruition, (presumably after roaming the desert with his followers). The torch was passed to his son Stephen who finished things up for dad. It doesn't say what Moses died of, but he had spent years setting up lead mines in Virginia and Missouri, so lead poisoning likely was a major contributor to his early checkout from the Global Village.

The effects of lead poisoning, which is contracted by ingestion or inhalation of lead or lead dust, can cause massive brain damage and death. At the time that he assumed room temperature, it is obvious that he suffered at least one of the symptoms, if not both. In view of this, as well as the fact that there are a mind boggling number of guns in the state, there is a movement underway, to have lead declared "The Official Metal of Texas".

Davy Crockett, the famous frontiersman, killed a bear when he was three years of age. The reason that he killed a bear rather than an armadillo is that he, like most famous Texans, as we noted earlier, was born somewhere else. Davy was born in Limestone, Tennessee, one of the many suburbs of The United States of Texas found across North America. American history is plum full to bursting with famous Texans who have one common trait, ... none of them were native Texans.

The Alamo, a national monument in Texas, was, and still remains, a pretty famous site in the state. It was there that General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna, Mexican President cum dictator, arrived with thousands of troops in February of 1836 to attack the 150 men holed up inside, (doing their impersonation of the armadillo). In an impressive display of Mexican military organization and efficiency, they whipped the Texas Revolutionaries in battle which lasted from February 24th until March 6th., a matter of a mere couple of weeks. At the end of the battle, Davy Crockett, Jim Bowie, (no relation to David), and William B. Travis were among the 180 casualties on the Texas side. None of these great Texas heroes, (nor David Bowie for that matter) were born in Texas, but that didn't matter. They too, died of the after effects of lead being introduced into the body.

It all began in 1830 when Mexican troops were sent to police the border in order to stop the influx of Americans, who, by this time, outnumbered the Mexicans three to one. One hundred and sixty some odd years later, the roles are reversed. The Mexicans now outnumber the Americans three to one, and the U.S. Border Patrol now performs the same job the Mexican Soldiers did in 1830.

There is a symmetry in all things natural, history included, which transcends, yet includes, the actions of the human species. The invention of the rubber bullet for instance, was likely a result of the desire to combat lead poisoning, (a major concern in Texas). Whether or not this invention was the result of the study of road kill armadillos and the intricate designs on their backs, is a question only time will answer.

But here in Texas .....