Life Is A Carnival

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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"Ooh wee, Ooh wee baby,
"Ooh wee, Ooh wee baby"
"Won't you let me take you on a sea cruise"

Sort of close to the words of an old song I haven't heard for a long time.

I stood at the dock at Galveston and stared at the bright, white, "Carnival" cruise ship, pinching myself.

I went through my mental checklist, ticking things off.

Passport ... Check.

Green Card, (which is yellow, probably because of the French surname as near as I can guess) ... Check.

Immodium ... Check.

Duct Tape. (In the event the Immodium doesn't kick in quickly enough, you can tape the cheeks together.) ... Damn!!!! (Forgot the duct tape.)

Rosary. (For the rapid effectiveness of the Immodium.) ... Check.

Girlfriend ...... Check. (Would have been at the top of the list, but I had to let the Immodium take top billing cause without it there might not be a girlfriend to worry about.)

Drawing a deep breath, I strode confidently up the gangplank, double checking my pockets for the Immodium.

After setting the baggage into the cabin, it was time to explore my temporary, new home. I discovered very quickly that it sure is easy to get lost on one of those things. The announcement came over the P.A. system that we all needed to head back to our cabins to get our life preservers and head to the lounge for the mandatory Life Boat Drill.

Somebody told me where to go, and I thought to myself that this was pretty much a normal state of affairs in my life.

Now I've never been on a cruise before, so as we headed for our Life Boat Station, (that's where you go in the event that you hit an iceberg in The Gulf Of Mexico and the ship decides to do it's impersonation of a submarine with screen doors), I thought that the people sitting at the restaurant by the pier, viewing 2,000 people in ugly orange life jackets, wouldn't have been too inspired to go on the next cruise.
As we headed out into the gulf, I made a mental note to drop a line to the marketing department of Carnival, in the event we made it back home. I realize that they have to do the drill, but perhaps they might consider doing it after leaving the port.

Out of sight, out of mind.

Well, we all survived the lifeboat drill, and were more than happy to shed the orange life jackets, especially the Aggies on board. I guess Aggies weren't meant to take cruises or something. Or at least not for the sinking part.

There are a lot of bars on a cruise ship. After the confidence inspiring lifeboat drill, I understood just why that is.

Yup, we were underway! The left-handed, French Canadian/Irish crossbreed, immigrant guy was set to invade Mexico. But I figured out that before a fellow such as myself does one of those friendly invasion things, it is necessary to arm oneself.

The weapon of choice was the terrifying, not to mention inspiring, "Umbrella Drink".

They are very fine people at Carnival Cruise Lines, and they change the ammunition every day. All of it, very effective.

I sat by the pool each day, insuring that I was well armed for the invasion of Mexico, with Bob. (not Bob my publisher Bob), but Bob from San Marcos, as well as his wonderful wife Jean, and of course, my sweetie.

I have to mention that the staff on the "Ecstasy, took very good care of each and every one of the invasion party. (And what a party it was!)

I worked diligently on my tan, because if you are a Mexican National, there is probably nothing more insulting than being invaded by an army of people led by a guy in a bathing suit, with really skinny legs, the color of Edam cheese. It's a respect thing.

I had checked all over the ship and discovered that someone must have stolen the Crow's Nest, because it was gone. But they left the pool and the poolside bar in its place, so it seemed to be a good trade to me. And there was food everywhere! All day and all night!

But then I discovered the best part, I didn't have too clean the table or do the dishes.

And then there was the formal dinner, designed especially so I could spill stuff all over my tie at someplace other than a wedding or a funeral.

Well I was now completely sated. I was well loaded with umbrella drink ammo. No need to clean the room, because they have people who do that for you, kind of like my kids have at home.

The bed was so comfortable I slept like a baby, and dreamt of Mayans and the forthcoming Invasion of Mexico.

And I still had the entire pack of Immodium!

Oh yeah, …. Where's the girlfriend?
There she is!!!

I gazed from the bow of the ship, early the next morning, armed with a cup of coffee, and spied the Island of Cozumel.

I was gonna be a jeep commando!

The invasion was imminent!

The pilot boat pulled along side the ship to guide us in safely to the dock.

A calmness enveloped my entire body, including the now tanned if still skinny legs.

"Sergio! Bring me a damned umbrella drink! Destiny awaits! The invasion is on!"

Sergio wasn't anywhere to be seen.

The bar hadn't opened yet.

The best planned invasion in my life was starting to go awry before it even began.

I placed my hand in my pocket.

I felt the Immodium still there.

A confident smile spread across my face.

The bar opened.

"Por favor senor, pour some more!"

"Viva Stevie!"

We have seen the enemy! And he is us!!!!!!!

TO BE CONTINUED...