CURSES, …FLUXED AGAIN

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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I’ve been hiding recently, because there are times in your life when that just seems like the safest thing to do.

I’ve heard the old adage that there is safety in numbers, so I tried the lottery. Don’t believe everything you hear.

The numbers say that I am more likely to be hit by lightning than to ever win the lottery. I tried to get hit by lightning, but so far I haven’t had any more luck at it than I have at winning the lottery. … Any of the lotteries.

I saw Publisher Bob recently, and he asked me if I was ever going to write anything again.

I told him I didn’t know the answer to that question for sure. “I’ve been really busy lately.” I told him.

That answer piqued his curiosity. “Busy doing what?” he asked.

“Hang on for a minute Bob. I have to go outside. I’ll be back soon.”

Bob picked up his disgustingly muddy colored beer and told me not to go outside because there was a thunderstorm.

“I know that.” I replied. “I’ll be right back.”

“What are you going to do out there Steve?”

“I’ll explain everything if I get back.” I replied, turning my back, (which apparently is my good side), to Bob and Andy, who had come in.

I walked outside and stood in the deluge for a few minutes.

Well after a while, that got boring, and wet, so I walked back into Papa’s, sat down with Andy and Bob, and ordered a beer.

Andy looked at me, smiled and told me that he knew that I’m a single guy, but there are places that are called dry cleaners and that if I simply took my clothes to one of them, they would clean them, press them and even put them on hangers, and that the risk of contracting pneumonia is thereby decreased immensely.

Andy is as smart as Bob is “Redneck”. “Thanks Andy. I’ll take it under advisement.” I told him.

That was when I spied Kim at the south end of Papa’s.

Kim is the cutest roofer I know, and a very sweet woman, most of the time. Her husband is a good guy too. So I walked over to say hello.

“Hi guys.” I said to them.

Kim looked at me disapprovingly and said “I’m not talking to you until you write a story.”

She looked back and continued, “You haven’t written anything for a long time. You need to write something. What’s going on anyway?”

“You just lied to me Kim, you’re talking to me right now.”

“Answer the question Steve.”

“I’m going through a lot of changes right now, Kim.”

“Oh, flux huh?”

I looked at her quizzically. “Flux?”

“Yeah, you know what flux is, don’t you?

“Yeah I sure do. It’s the coating they put on welding rods.”

“What?” she asked, or stated or whatever it was, that’s what she said.

“It’s the coating they put on welding rods. I used to make it years ago, in my mad scientist days. Bad stuff in it too. Asbestos, fluorite, all kinds of crap that’ll kill you, if you breathe too much of it.”

“What does it do?” Kim asked.

“It changes the properties of the metal. Why?”

“Exactly.” She said. “Flux is change. Jeez you’re the writer. You should know that. Your life is in a state of flux Steve.”

“Yeah, pretty much.” I told her. “My life is really fluxed these days.”

“So just stop fluxing around. Go home and write something. Then we’ll talk again.”

“Okay, I’ll try.” Then I turned and walked back over to Bob and Andy.

“So what’s the story on the standing in the rain, turkey?” Bob asked. “You trying to cleanse your soul or something?”

“Nope. I’m trying to win the damned lottery.”

“Which lottery?”

“Any of them. I ain’t real picky.”

Andy looked across the table at me. “You’re a pretty smart guy Steve. How is standing in a thunder storm going to help you accomplish that?”

“It’s all about getting hit by lightning. It’s a numbers thing.”

“Uhuh!?”

“I’ve been playing the lottery for years… off and on. And I read somewhere that I have a better chance of being struck by lightning than of winning the lottery, … according to the numbers. So I thought about it and figured I have no chance of winning until I get hit by lightning first. So I’m doing my best to help that happen.”

“So how is that working for you Steve?”

“Well so far, about as well as the lottery is. But it makes real sense. Like in baseball or football, if you want to achieve greatness, you have to sacrifice your body. You can learn a lot about life through sports”

“You can learn a lot about life by staying away from lightning too, Steve.” Bob tossed in.

“Maybe so, but I have to go. Got to get to bed early because there’s a really big storm front that’s supposed to come through around 3:00 a.m. or so. I need to get some rest before the big moment.”

“Boy, you’ve really changed lately Steve.” Bob said.

“Well everything changes over time guys. It’s called flux.”

I turned and was walking out the door when Kim came by the table to say hello to Andy and Bob. “Where’d Steve go?” I heard her ask them.

“Home” Bob replied.

“Yeah, he just fluxed off.”

And I heard the sound of Andy chuckling as I opened the car door.