The Accidental Tourist - Part III

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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Hey Bob, sorry I've been out of touch for a while.

I've been kind of worried about you Steve. He replied. What the heck happened? How is Flint? Or how was Flint?

I'm not really sure man. Never got there … yet.

You've been gone for weeks Steve. What have you been doing?

Do you believe in God, Bob?

Well yeah. I guess I do. Why?

Well do you believe in miracles too?

I don't know, why are you asking me all of this Steve?

Well how about Cincinnati, Bob? Do you believe in Cincinnati?

You're losing it Steve. You need to come back to Texas. We have really good doctors here in Houston, and they all could use more business. They'll help you. C'mon home boy!

Just answer the question Bob. Do you believe in Cincinnati or not?

I believe in Pete Rose, so I suppose I have to believe in Cincinnati. What's the point Steve.

Well Bob, I have to tell you. …… I think it's a holy place!

A holy place? … Cincinnati? … Find a doctor Steve. Find a doctor really fast. I'll send a rescue team to get you back here. Keep the faith Steve.

Yeah, I am keeping the faith. I think I was inspired by Cincinnati. Probably the holiest place in all of Ohio! And maybe the entire northeast sector of America, come to think of it.

I'm afraid to ask Steve, but I have to. How on God's green earth did you come up with that conclusion? … Oh no!! Don't tell me you got hit by lightning in Cincinnati?!!

Nope, not yet. But while there is still life, there is hope.

Even in Cincinnati?

Especially in Cincinnati, Bob. Hope. That's the biggest thing they have.

But I thought that you said lotto heaven was in Flint. What's the deal?

Well I left Memphis, after the visitation of Elvis, and tore through the rest of Tennessee, like a hot knife through butter. I checked out Kentucky for a while, but then I found that there are no Kentucky Fried Chicken joints there. It's false advertising or something. Anyway, I was a trifle upset about the chicken thing, so I turned north in Covington, Kentucky.

I think that's the only direction you can go in Covington, isn't it?

No Bob, you could go south, but I was in the wrong lane. That's when I got to the bridge leading to Cincinnati.

And then what?

I crossed that bridge when I got to it. And that was when the realization struck me.

Oh, that's what happened, huh?

Yeah man. I saw a vision!

You saw a vision? In Cincinnati? You sure it wasn't pollution or something?

Yeah, I'm sure man. There wasn't any acid rain or anything like that. It was a cloudless afternoon. It was a bloody vision, Bob.

Ok Steve. So what did it look like?

It looked like three rivers.

Were they clean?

Doesn't matter Bob. There were three of them. I swear it.

You sure you weren't in Pittsburgh, huh?

Yeah, Pittsburgh is nowhere near Kentucky, and I had just left Kentucky, so it had to be Cincinnati. Quit trying to confuse me.

I'd be too late I think, Steve. So, anyway, tell me about the vision. Did you see Lonnie Anderson or something?

No. I saw …. rush hour.

That's not a vision Steve. I hate to break it to you.

No, but I guess I must have gotten into another wrong lane when I was watching the rivers. Three rivers, the God thing. You know, like three people, one God. A sign, I figured.

Well what the heck did the sign show you?

It showed me that not all roads lead to Flint, Michigan. Which might be a good thing.

How's that?

Cause this one that I got pushed onto led to Buffalo. Freaking Buffalo! The North American equivalent of where the elephants go to die in Africa.

Hey Steve, I used to live near Buffalo, years ago. It's not that bad.

It is now, Bob! Ya gotta trust me on this. Fire city. Year round blizzards. Ugly chicks with weird accents. And a damn bridge that leads out of America, if you get on it by mistake.

Well it's okay if you stay in the right lane isn't it?

Yeah but I've been directionally challenged lately. It's kind of a left-right problem. You know, directly responsible for the miracle of Cincinnati. Stuff like that.

So what are you saying?

I got in the wrong damned lane again.

And?

Well, there's a really good looking girl working in the toll booth at the bridge. You ought to see her! I thought I'd died and gone to heaven.

She was that beautiful?

I think so, … but I had just been in Buffalo, so I couldn't swear to it.

I've got to go Steve. I have to get my daughter. Call me later, okay?

Okay bud. Talk to you soon.

To Be Continued... We think...