By Steve Bussiere
I have, in my life, a few simple rules for life which are cast in stone.
Unfortunately, there are times that I inadvertently forget about them.
Ok, I'm human, and therefore prone to making errors from time to time, but I really wish I could cut down on the number of times I am forced to remind myself.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago my telephone rang. I glanced at the number on the display and saw an area code from which I have never been harassed.
Boredom is a dangerous thing.
Drinking a beer while wading through boredom, enhances the experience to the level that even I, with my tremendous (at times) self-control, am unable to pass up the opportunity to make a new friend.
So, being in my human state that evening, I reached out and picked up the telephone.
"Hello." I said.
Well I don't know about the rest of you folks, but when I do that to a previously unknown caller, I eagerly anticipate the warmth of a human voice, even if it's only attempting to entice me into purchasing something I neither need nor desire.
I normally hate automated phone calls, but as I said, I was really bored that night. So I listened intently. It was an automated survey.
Being bored and lonely and in need of some entertainment, I started pushing numbers randomly on the phone pad.
I guess they don't really check your answers against each other, because I responded that I was a male to one question and that I was pregnant to another.
I wonder if Pinnochio had stretch marks on his nose?
Well to make a long story short, at the end of the call I was informed that in appreciation for my taking this little exercise so seriously, I had been awarded an all expenses paid cruise for two to the Bahamas.
I hung up the phone after giving the automated operator my contact info and was informed that a representative from the cruise line would be contacting me to settle all of the arrangements for my cruise.
Well I may be a lot of things, but I was born at night, it just wasn't last night, so I sat and chuckled to myself, waiting for the baby to move in my womb.
When I told One Draft Phil, Andy and Bob about it the next day, we all had a chuckle over it.
A week went by and I had heard absolutely nothing from the cruise line, which surprised none of the square table charter members.
My son borrowed my car the other evening, and the next day I looked in the cup holder and there was all kinds of change in it.
It was my son's change. So I thought to myself that I was pretty lucky to find all of this money, even if it was only the change from the money I had given him in order that some fast food joint would remain solvent for another day.
When I arrived home that evening, there was voice mail on my phone, so I picked it up and went into shock when I discovered it was a representative of the cruise line wanting to get the details for my free cruise.
Then I thought about the cruise, which made me think about the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, which reminded me of the booty I had discovered in the cup holder that morning.
I've been on a cruise in the Western Caribbean before, but the Bahamas sounded intriguing.
I was torn inside.
Cruises are fun, but they have a limited history of ending really badly for me, so I was not nearly as ecstatic as a pregnant person should be over such a wonderful opportunity.
Bob wanted to know who I was going to take with me on this excursion into Wonderland.
"I'm not sure yet." I replied. "I think maybe this time I'll just take some woman I can't stand."
"Why would you do that?" Bob wanted to know.
"It's called defensive cruising Bob. You know, it's a variation on defensive driving, .. or dating."
I love to confuse Bob. He contorts his face into all kinds of ridiculous looking positions when I do it.
"Explain it to me." He continued. "I really have to hear this one!"
"Well, it's really very simple Bob. If I were to go with someone I really liked and it worked out like the last one, I'd just get hurt again. This time, when it doesn't work out, it'll be a happy ending for me. And you know how much I like happy endings."
"So who's the unlucky victim going to be? Have you given it any thought?"
"No, I haven't had enough time to yet." I replied.
"Heck maybe I just won't go on it."
"Are you nuts Steve? It's FREE man!"
"Nobody rides for free Bob, especially on The Love Boat."
"But think of all of that food you'll be passing up! Seafood, roast beef, I mean all kinds of amazing dishes. You've got to go!"
"Why am I not surprised that you thought of food Bob?"
"Well that's only one reason. There's a bunch of others I'll think of later Steve."
"Well, there may very well be Bob, but I don't want to hear them."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not sure I want to go. I could get in a lot of trouble."
Bob smiled, shook his head and told me that I was being stupid.
"Not really Bob. I mean what if I go and they check the answers I punched in on the phone that night? I could be in a lot of trouble."
"How, could you be in a lot of trouble Steve?"
"Well for one thing, when they se me, they'll probably realize that I'm not really pregnant.
And there was other stuff I think I made up too."
"Hey, what can they possibly do Steve? You'll be in the middle of the Caribbean by then."
"Well, do you remember that when I made up all of those answers I was bored?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well it made me think of the other spelling for bored, b o a r d."
"Yeah, like in all aboard, right?"
"No. Like a board, board. I don't want to walk the plank Bob. There are sharks and stuff out there."
"Not enough meat on you to interest them Steve."
"Maybe not now, but remember I'm eating for two these days."
"I'll take it under consideration Steve."
"Thanks Bob, but maybe you should go with me."
"Why would I go with you?"
"We could be Pirates man."
"You're already a loose cannon Steve."
"Yup. Full speed ahead matey!"
Monday, February 25, 2008
Thursday, February 14, 2008
I Love The Flower Girl - Time On My Hands
By Steve Bussiere
Sometimes I have no idea how my mind works. I think my thought processes are fundamentally flawed. Well either that or they are damaged. I guess it's pointless to speculate anyway. They are what they are, so I simply have to accept them.
For instance, just the other day I ran into my old buddy Johnny Matador. That's not his real surname, but he told me he wants to be in my next book, and that furthermore he wants to be a dangerous guy in it.
Johnny is a great person. He is always kind to everyone and he is one of the most upbeat people I have ever met.
He is a lot of very wonderful things, but he is flawed like my mind is, according to some people, who I believe are not very bright. And when you are not very bright you cast shadows instead of light, and you can't see. And when you can't see you are simply blind and not necessarily stupid.
Johnny Matador is what they call "Physically Challenged". He is confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his days. Something he doesn't let change his attitude about life.
Some days I wish I were a lot more like Johnny Matador and less like Steve.
At any rate, after we talked for a while, we headed on our separate ways. I was smiling when I left him, because he always reminds me about all that is right in the world.
Well, thinking about all this sweetness and light started me thinking that the Valentines Day pressure I was now under, you know, saving the world economy and all of that. Which got me thinking about flowers.
Well thinking about flowers, made me remember my former mother-in-law. She always loved me, and is a wonderful lady, but I never hear from her anymore. When she was born, her mother named her after a flower. So it was beginning to make sense to me, the reason my mind was bouncing around like a ping pong ball.
In a mode of self-preservation I stopped thinking about my former mother-in-law.
Close call, but I made it!!!
After that, I drew a deep breath, but I couldn't get "flowers" out of my mind.
I remembered that I don't have to get any for anyone this year, and I smiled in relief.
Never get over confident, because you will inevitably stumble and injure yourself. Jeez, I wish I didn't keep forgetting that.
I'm not sure why my next thought hit me.
It may have been seeing Johnny Matador and his sunny outlook from his chair.
Or it may have been the thought of my former mother-in-law and her flowery name.
It was more likely a combination of the two.
But I began to think of a very special friend I've been close to over the years.
She is probably the sweetest woman I have ever known.
And she is likely the most caring mother I will ever meet.
Then I thought about her daughter.
I won't mention her name here, but she, like my former mother-in-law, is named after a flower. Not the same flower, but a flower none the less.
I have to admit that I smiled again, as I remembered her.
She is a lot like Johnny Matador, in many ways.
She is always happy.
She is always smiling.
She is always sharing her love with everyone she meets. And she puts more smiles on people's faces than Hershey's chocolate does.
But Hershey's chocolate, as sweet as it is, will never come close to being as sweet as my friend's daughter.
She also has a wheelchair, just like Johnny.
She has a lot of other issues too, both physical as well as mentally.
Well, that is the opinion of others.
In my personal opinion, she is absolutely adorable just the way she is.
We used to talk about a lot of things together. The types of things you would discuss with your children, when they young and innocent and the world was a good place to be child like.
We used to talk about really important things, like being loved and cared about.
She would tell me how the night before, Prince Charming had visited her in her dreams.
"Did he give you a hug?" I would ask her.
She would giggle and blush and say that indeed he had.
"Well then, did he kiss you too?" I asked.
And she giggled some more, blushed even more, and said, "Yes he did Steve." And she would pause and continue, "But only on my cheek."
"Well, that's good then. Isn't it?" I asked.
"Yes, it is Steve." And she giggled some more.
I have to admit that all of this Prince Charming stuff had piqued my curiosity.
"So, is he handsome sweetie?"
She sure giggles a lot, "Yes he is Steve. He's even cuter than you!"
I still like to think that was a compliment. I learned that optimism from her.
And then I thought to myself that we are such fools. We call a beautiful person like that "Mentally and physically challenged".
It makes me wonder which of us fits that description better, she or I?
Johnny Matador inspires me the same way.
And then I thought about it some more.
I thought of Valentine's Day some more, as well.
And then I rethought my entire position on the day.
I love that young lady and everything about her. And I love the inspiration she has given me since I met her.
She always tells me she loves me.
I always tell her she's gorgeous.
She always giggles when I tell her that.
So I wandered over to my computer, fired it up and got online.
This Valentine's Day, she will be receiving an e-card from Prince Charming.
The lucky guy!
And I love the flower girl!!
Sometimes I have no idea how my mind works. I think my thought processes are fundamentally flawed. Well either that or they are damaged. I guess it's pointless to speculate anyway. They are what they are, so I simply have to accept them.
For instance, just the other day I ran into my old buddy Johnny Matador. That's not his real surname, but he told me he wants to be in my next book, and that furthermore he wants to be a dangerous guy in it.
Johnny is a great person. He is always kind to everyone and he is one of the most upbeat people I have ever met.
He is a lot of very wonderful things, but he is flawed like my mind is, according to some people, who I believe are not very bright. And when you are not very bright you cast shadows instead of light, and you can't see. And when you can't see you are simply blind and not necessarily stupid.
Johnny Matador is what they call "Physically Challenged". He is confined to a wheelchair for the rest of his days. Something he doesn't let change his attitude about life.
Some days I wish I were a lot more like Johnny Matador and less like Steve.
At any rate, after we talked for a while, we headed on our separate ways. I was smiling when I left him, because he always reminds me about all that is right in the world.
Well, thinking about all this sweetness and light started me thinking that the Valentines Day pressure I was now under, you know, saving the world economy and all of that. Which got me thinking about flowers.
Well thinking about flowers, made me remember my former mother-in-law. She always loved me, and is a wonderful lady, but I never hear from her anymore. When she was born, her mother named her after a flower. So it was beginning to make sense to me, the reason my mind was bouncing around like a ping pong ball.
In a mode of self-preservation I stopped thinking about my former mother-in-law.
Close call, but I made it!!!
After that, I drew a deep breath, but I couldn't get "flowers" out of my mind.
I remembered that I don't have to get any for anyone this year, and I smiled in relief.
Never get over confident, because you will inevitably stumble and injure yourself. Jeez, I wish I didn't keep forgetting that.
I'm not sure why my next thought hit me.
It may have been seeing Johnny Matador and his sunny outlook from his chair.
Or it may have been the thought of my former mother-in-law and her flowery name.
It was more likely a combination of the two.
But I began to think of a very special friend I've been close to over the years.
She is probably the sweetest woman I have ever known.
And she is likely the most caring mother I will ever meet.
Then I thought about her daughter.
I won't mention her name here, but she, like my former mother-in-law, is named after a flower. Not the same flower, but a flower none the less.
I have to admit that I smiled again, as I remembered her.
She is a lot like Johnny Matador, in many ways.
She is always happy.
She is always smiling.
She is always sharing her love with everyone she meets. And she puts more smiles on people's faces than Hershey's chocolate does.
But Hershey's chocolate, as sweet as it is, will never come close to being as sweet as my friend's daughter.
She also has a wheelchair, just like Johnny.
She has a lot of other issues too, both physical as well as mentally.
Well, that is the opinion of others.
In my personal opinion, she is absolutely adorable just the way she is.
We used to talk about a lot of things together. The types of things you would discuss with your children, when they young and innocent and the world was a good place to be child like.
We used to talk about really important things, like being loved and cared about.
She would tell me how the night before, Prince Charming had visited her in her dreams.
"Did he give you a hug?" I would ask her.
She would giggle and blush and say that indeed he had.
"Well then, did he kiss you too?" I asked.
And she giggled some more, blushed even more, and said, "Yes he did Steve." And she would pause and continue, "But only on my cheek."
"Well, that's good then. Isn't it?" I asked.
"Yes, it is Steve." And she giggled some more.
I have to admit that all of this Prince Charming stuff had piqued my curiosity.
"So, is he handsome sweetie?"
She sure giggles a lot, "Yes he is Steve. He's even cuter than you!"
I still like to think that was a compliment. I learned that optimism from her.
And then I thought to myself that we are such fools. We call a beautiful person like that "Mentally and physically challenged".
It makes me wonder which of us fits that description better, she or I?
Johnny Matador inspires me the same way.
And then I thought about it some more.
I thought of Valentine's Day some more, as well.
And then I rethought my entire position on the day.
I love that young lady and everything about her. And I love the inspiration she has given me since I met her.
She always tells me she loves me.
I always tell her she's gorgeous.
She always giggles when I tell her that.
So I wandered over to my computer, fired it up and got online.
This Valentine's Day, she will be receiving an e-card from Prince Charming.
The lucky guy!
And I love the flower girl!!
Thursday, February 7, 2008
Culture Club - Time On My Hands
By Steve Bussiere
There are times in my life when I am blessed with clarity.
I am taken back in time and the minutest of details surrounding a situation are alive and real. I think everyone has these moments from time to time. Anyone who was around when JFK was assassinated is able to recall exactly where they were and what they were doing, with total clarity. Unfortunately, not all memories are that precise, but that doesn't discount their validity as far as I know.
I had one these cloudier, unspiritual moments at the grocery store yesterday. This isn't unusual I suppose, I have a lot of unspiritual moments in the grocery store, depending on the other clientele in there. These people are completely focused on quality, freshness, price and other ridiculous things.
I'm usually focused on the more aesthetic side of things as I browse.
You have to be careful when you focus on that because you could get slapped in the face if you aren't.
I went in the store to browse, trying to decide upon just what I should destroy for dinner.
Self control is of the utmost importance in the grocery store. It's just as important as which size basket you begin with.
I have, over the years, come up with my own set of rules for grocery shopping, which I vainly attempt to strictly adhere to.
Never shop when you are hungry.
Never shop when you have had more than one adult beverage, this rule works in singles bars just as effectively.
Never shop when you are depressed.
Never shop when you are elated, because that may even be worse for everything in your life.
Never shop when you don't have a clue as to what you want to get, because you get a lot more than you bargained for, which is not a bargain.
Never look at women in the store because you lose your focus, and it reverts back to the previous rule.
And certain aisles must be avoided at all times because they put them in there to tempt you.
So now I hate grocery shopping almost as much as I despise the mall.
Danger in merchandising!
Defensive shopping! That is my new motto.
Well, despite my own, pure intentions, I entered the store yesterday, blindly ignoring most, if not all of the rules for shopping I have set out.
So I ended up with a lot of stuff I don't like, but may use someday if I'm lucky.
I raced through the store with a small hand held basket, looking at women, losing focus and going down the bloody temptation aisles. A sheep being led to slaughter, so to speak.
I looked at my basket, blushed furiously, and returned to the front to exchange it for a cart, because they are easier to push than to carry.
After I had picked out all of this stuff I'll probably never use, I pushed the Titanic toward the cash.
They sell DVD Movies in there now. I remember a time when movies weren't considered groceries, but evolution is in perpetual motion.
I looked at the shelf and saw "Les Miserables".
That was when I had another less than completely lucid moment.
I went back in my mind to the late eighties or early nineties. That was as clear as I could get on it.
It was one of my many birthdays. I remembered back. I was living north of Toronto at the time, and having recently spent some time there, I try not to think of that place as much as is humanly possible.
My mother gave me a card. I opened it up and there were tickets to see "Les Miserables".
I grimaced and then smiled and thanked her for the lovely gift.
"Stephen" she said to me, "It's time you acquired some culture."
Well, I couldn't bear to tell her at the time, but culture was probably the last thing in the world I was looking for. Culture is in yogurt, and I hate yogurt. So I wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of this. But I didn't say it aloud. My mother raised me a lot better than that, and you have to always respect your parents. Oh, I must remember to share that little piece of wisdom with my kids some day.
So on the appointed date and time, I entered the theater and we took our seats. Thrilled with the knowledge that I was about to become "Yogurt Man" and the resulting cultural enlightenment I would be able to pass along to my children, when their time arrived.
Hey, it was alright, kind of. But they sing too much for my liking, maybe because I didn't know the words. … nor the tunes.
Finally they stopped, and the curtain fell. I smiled. Kind of a stupid ending, but I was being released for good behavior.
NOT!
"Come on Stephen, let's step out for a breath of fresh air. We have about fifteen minutes for intermission."
"Dear God! Save me from the Ying Yangs!" I cried out in my mind.
"No, not yet." came the silent answer from above.
So, far too quickly I returned to my seat. It was only half way through and my butt was already really sore.
In retrospect it really was quite the production. There were all kinds of scantily clad fat women running around on the stage singing about something I hope to never understand, or even remember.
Well, when the production mercifully ended, my mother asked me what I thought of it.
"It was really long. You sure got great value for the tickets. Especially if the price was based on a per minute cost, when you bought them."
My mother is a Saint, and a patient one at that, so she simply smiled and replied, "I'm glad you liked it, Honey."
I kissed her cheek, rubbed my own sore cheeks, and left to return home to a soft chair.
Last night, I looked at the DVD, remembered my mother's gracious gift, smiled at the memory, picked up the movie and went to the check out counter.
After paying, I went back to my car. I looked back at the grocery store. I thought about my mother, and smiled.
I thought about watching my newly purchased DVD.
I rubbed my cheeks and a tear rolled down my other cheek as I got into my car.
"Yogurt Man has left the grocery store." I thought as I drove out of the parking lot.
There are times in my life when I am blessed with clarity.
I am taken back in time and the minutest of details surrounding a situation are alive and real. I think everyone has these moments from time to time. Anyone who was around when JFK was assassinated is able to recall exactly where they were and what they were doing, with total clarity. Unfortunately, not all memories are that precise, but that doesn't discount their validity as far as I know.
I had one these cloudier, unspiritual moments at the grocery store yesterday. This isn't unusual I suppose, I have a lot of unspiritual moments in the grocery store, depending on the other clientele in there. These people are completely focused on quality, freshness, price and other ridiculous things.
I'm usually focused on the more aesthetic side of things as I browse.
You have to be careful when you focus on that because you could get slapped in the face if you aren't.
I went in the store to browse, trying to decide upon just what I should destroy for dinner.
Self control is of the utmost importance in the grocery store. It's just as important as which size basket you begin with.
I have, over the years, come up with my own set of rules for grocery shopping, which I vainly attempt to strictly adhere to.
Never shop when you are hungry.
Never shop when you have had more than one adult beverage, this rule works in singles bars just as effectively.
Never shop when you are depressed.
Never shop when you are elated, because that may even be worse for everything in your life.
Never shop when you don't have a clue as to what you want to get, because you get a lot more than you bargained for, which is not a bargain.
Never look at women in the store because you lose your focus, and it reverts back to the previous rule.
And certain aisles must be avoided at all times because they put them in there to tempt you.
So now I hate grocery shopping almost as much as I despise the mall.
Danger in merchandising!
Defensive shopping! That is my new motto.
Well, despite my own, pure intentions, I entered the store yesterday, blindly ignoring most, if not all of the rules for shopping I have set out.
So I ended up with a lot of stuff I don't like, but may use someday if I'm lucky.
I raced through the store with a small hand held basket, looking at women, losing focus and going down the bloody temptation aisles. A sheep being led to slaughter, so to speak.
I looked at my basket, blushed furiously, and returned to the front to exchange it for a cart, because they are easier to push than to carry.
After I had picked out all of this stuff I'll probably never use, I pushed the Titanic toward the cash.
They sell DVD Movies in there now. I remember a time when movies weren't considered groceries, but evolution is in perpetual motion.
I looked at the shelf and saw "Les Miserables".
That was when I had another less than completely lucid moment.
I went back in my mind to the late eighties or early nineties. That was as clear as I could get on it.
It was one of my many birthdays. I remembered back. I was living north of Toronto at the time, and having recently spent some time there, I try not to think of that place as much as is humanly possible.
My mother gave me a card. I opened it up and there were tickets to see "Les Miserables".
I grimaced and then smiled and thanked her for the lovely gift.
"Stephen" she said to me, "It's time you acquired some culture."
Well, I couldn't bear to tell her at the time, but culture was probably the last thing in the world I was looking for. Culture is in yogurt, and I hate yogurt. So I wanted absolutely nothing to do with any of this. But I didn't say it aloud. My mother raised me a lot better than that, and you have to always respect your parents. Oh, I must remember to share that little piece of wisdom with my kids some day.
So on the appointed date and time, I entered the theater and we took our seats. Thrilled with the knowledge that I was about to become "Yogurt Man" and the resulting cultural enlightenment I would be able to pass along to my children, when their time arrived.
Hey, it was alright, kind of. But they sing too much for my liking, maybe because I didn't know the words. … nor the tunes.
Finally they stopped, and the curtain fell. I smiled. Kind of a stupid ending, but I was being released for good behavior.
NOT!
"Come on Stephen, let's step out for a breath of fresh air. We have about fifteen minutes for intermission."
"Dear God! Save me from the Ying Yangs!" I cried out in my mind.
"No, not yet." came the silent answer from above.
So, far too quickly I returned to my seat. It was only half way through and my butt was already really sore.
In retrospect it really was quite the production. There were all kinds of scantily clad fat women running around on the stage singing about something I hope to never understand, or even remember.
Well, when the production mercifully ended, my mother asked me what I thought of it.
"It was really long. You sure got great value for the tickets. Especially if the price was based on a per minute cost, when you bought them."
My mother is a Saint, and a patient one at that, so she simply smiled and replied, "I'm glad you liked it, Honey."
I kissed her cheek, rubbed my own sore cheeks, and left to return home to a soft chair.
Last night, I looked at the DVD, remembered my mother's gracious gift, smiled at the memory, picked up the movie and went to the check out counter.
After paying, I went back to my car. I looked back at the grocery store. I thought about my mother, and smiled.
I thought about watching my newly purchased DVD.
I rubbed my cheeks and a tear rolled down my other cheek as I got into my car.
"Yogurt Man has left the grocery store." I thought as I drove out of the parking lot.
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Nights At The Square Table - Time On My Hands
By Steve Bussiere
The older I get, the more quickly things happen. Well, most things anyway.
I was checking my calendar the other day and I realized the annual St. Valentines Day love fest is fast approaching. Someday I'll look back and discover where January disappeared. Not a bad thing, I hate January. Football is nearly gone for another year.
I have never been a fan of round ball, likely because I can't jump. Or shoot straight. Or run anymore. I have a maximum attention span of about three nanoseconds for watching the NBA.
I actually prefer Valentines Day to watching basketball.
That was when I remembered about the glass being half full this year. So I ventured out to Papa's to find Bob, Andy, Rick and One draft Phil. An island of sanity, in this otherwise, turbulent world we live in.
Much to my dismay, not one of them was there when I arrived. So I did something foolish and started thinking. You shouldn't do things like that when you are by yourself. If you aren't crazy to begin with, you'll quickly end up there.
There are times in my life when I wish I could listen to my own advice. Such as right then, when I started thinking.
I began to think of my old sweetie, and how she would disapprove of my having a good time with my buddies. It's a standard female characteristic from all of the feedback I have received from the other fun loving lunatics in my life. So I put the brakes on those thoughts, narrowly escaping a dreaded act of self-conscience.
Whew!!! That was so close, it frightened me.
But I was still faced with the Valentines Day thing, when the tres loco amigos came in through different doors. Guardian Angels come in strange shapes and sizes these days. But hey, never look a gifted Guardian Angel in the mouth. So I picked up my beer and wandered over to The Square Table, to join the late arrivals.
"What's happening Steve?" Rick asked.
"I was just thinking. I hate thinking. It's a good thing you all came in to save me from myself."
"What, pray tell, were you thinking about?" Bob wanted to know.
"I was thinking about the glass being half full."
"It's not half full Steve. It's completely full."
"It's tough enough to get to the half full point. Don't go getting too optimistic on me."
Bob looked at me, dumbfounded. "I just got here. I haven't even taken a sip yet. It's completely full." He shook his head and took a sip.
"I meant, attitude Bob. The glass is half full this year. Remember?"
"OHHHH! Now I'm with you. So enlighten us."
"Well, I was at the store and they have all kinds of Valentines Day stuff, all over the place. And that got me thinking about my sweetie, who is not my sweetie any longer. Jeez, it's almost Valentine's Day, and I have no one special in my life. I mean, I'm not even a lousy Insignificant Other any more."
"Man, that sounds depressing Steve. "
"That's what I thought too, Rick. But then I realized, I don't have to buy anything for anyone this year. Not even a card! It's a good thing. Think of all of the money I'm saving!"
"Now that's the attitude Steve. See the glass is on it's way to being half full, already." Said One Draft Phil.
"Yeah, you're right Phil. And furthermore it's good for the entire eco system as well, which is a good thing for the global warming problem."
That was the very first time I have ever heard complete silence from the three of them when they have been together. They all looked at me and shook their heads in united disbelief.
"I'm serious guys. Look no trees are going to be murdered because I needed to get a ridiculous card which, will end up in the trash and then on to land fill. And not one flower on the planet is in life threatening danger because of my selfish, lustful ways. No cows are going to be stripped of their milk to make stupid chocolates for some woman who'll end up breaking my heart anyway. And not a single steer will be led to slaughter in order that I provide a fine steak dinner for her either. And it saves the latex supply as well. So, it's all good!"
Andy worries about me.
Bob worries about me too.
Rick worries about me.
One draft Phil, thinks he worries about me, sometimes.
And Alton worries about me as well, but he does it from a respectable distance most of the time.
"So what's the problem if it's all good Steve?" Rick wanted to know.
"Well, the economy is going to get into a recession if everyone were as wise and fortunate as I am."
"None of that stuff is made in America any more Steve."
"I know Andy, but it's the whole global economy that's at risk now. Not just one geographic location, but the entire world's economic health and welfare. I mean, if I tell too many people about this, they would see how right I am, and whole world's economy would collapse like a house of cards. It's a giant responsibility, knowing that you hold the key to the world's economic health inside of your mind."
"Yeah, I understand completely Steve. You're under an incredible amount of pressure."
"You know it Andy. But the great ones thrive under pressure. I guess it's my cross to bear for a couple of weeks. So I bear it willingly for the benefit of all mankind."
"We're proud to know you Steve!"
"So what are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?" I asked.
"Dinner and a movie." Bob replied. "I have cable now."
"Very nice idea Bob."
Andy looked over at me. "Well I've always had cable, and I don't like trees because they litter my yard every autumn. So I'm going to get my wife a beautiful card, some crawfish and we'll enjoy Judge Judy together by the fireplace."
"Different, Andy. Shows originality. I'm sure she'll love it!"
"Doesn't matter Steve. That's what she's getting." He replied with a smile.
I looked over to where One Draft Phil was sitting, only to discover he had evaporated again, leaving only a lone empty draft glass in his spot.
"Where did Phil go?" I asked.
"We don't know. He just vanished again."
Rick stood up from his seat. "Well I have to vanish too. But I'm certainly glad you brought up the Valentine's Day thing Steve. I think I'll go to the store and pick up a gift for my wife."
"That's really sweet of you Rick. She's a lucky lady." I said.
"Well it's sort of a gift for me too." Rick replied.
He turned and was walking toward the door, when he suddenly stopped.
"Hey, do any of you guys remember the name of that bug spray Heather had on last year?"
"No, but I think it was something like Eau De Shoo Fly, or something. They have it at the fragrance counter at Academy I think."
"Great. Thanks!" he smiled and turned toward the door.
The older I get, the more quickly things happen. Well, most things anyway.
I was checking my calendar the other day and I realized the annual St. Valentines Day love fest is fast approaching. Someday I'll look back and discover where January disappeared. Not a bad thing, I hate January. Football is nearly gone for another year.
I have never been a fan of round ball, likely because I can't jump. Or shoot straight. Or run anymore. I have a maximum attention span of about three nanoseconds for watching the NBA.
I actually prefer Valentines Day to watching basketball.
That was when I remembered about the glass being half full this year. So I ventured out to Papa's to find Bob, Andy, Rick and One draft Phil. An island of sanity, in this otherwise, turbulent world we live in.
Much to my dismay, not one of them was there when I arrived. So I did something foolish and started thinking. You shouldn't do things like that when you are by yourself. If you aren't crazy to begin with, you'll quickly end up there.
There are times in my life when I wish I could listen to my own advice. Such as right then, when I started thinking.
I began to think of my old sweetie, and how she would disapprove of my having a good time with my buddies. It's a standard female characteristic from all of the feedback I have received from the other fun loving lunatics in my life. So I put the brakes on those thoughts, narrowly escaping a dreaded act of self-conscience.
Whew!!! That was so close, it frightened me.
But I was still faced with the Valentines Day thing, when the tres loco amigos came in through different doors. Guardian Angels come in strange shapes and sizes these days. But hey, never look a gifted Guardian Angel in the mouth. So I picked up my beer and wandered over to The Square Table, to join the late arrivals.
"What's happening Steve?" Rick asked.
"I was just thinking. I hate thinking. It's a good thing you all came in to save me from myself."
"What, pray tell, were you thinking about?" Bob wanted to know.
"I was thinking about the glass being half full."
"It's not half full Steve. It's completely full."
"It's tough enough to get to the half full point. Don't go getting too optimistic on me."
Bob looked at me, dumbfounded. "I just got here. I haven't even taken a sip yet. It's completely full." He shook his head and took a sip.
"I meant, attitude Bob. The glass is half full this year. Remember?"
"OHHHH! Now I'm with you. So enlighten us."
"Well, I was at the store and they have all kinds of Valentines Day stuff, all over the place. And that got me thinking about my sweetie, who is not my sweetie any longer. Jeez, it's almost Valentine's Day, and I have no one special in my life. I mean, I'm not even a lousy Insignificant Other any more."
"Man, that sounds depressing Steve. "
"That's what I thought too, Rick. But then I realized, I don't have to buy anything for anyone this year. Not even a card! It's a good thing. Think of all of the money I'm saving!"
"Now that's the attitude Steve. See the glass is on it's way to being half full, already." Said One Draft Phil.
"Yeah, you're right Phil. And furthermore it's good for the entire eco system as well, which is a good thing for the global warming problem."
That was the very first time I have ever heard complete silence from the three of them when they have been together. They all looked at me and shook their heads in united disbelief.
"I'm serious guys. Look no trees are going to be murdered because I needed to get a ridiculous card which, will end up in the trash and then on to land fill. And not one flower on the planet is in life threatening danger because of my selfish, lustful ways. No cows are going to be stripped of their milk to make stupid chocolates for some woman who'll end up breaking my heart anyway. And not a single steer will be led to slaughter in order that I provide a fine steak dinner for her either. And it saves the latex supply as well. So, it's all good!"
Andy worries about me.
Bob worries about me too.
Rick worries about me.
One draft Phil, thinks he worries about me, sometimes.
And Alton worries about me as well, but he does it from a respectable distance most of the time.
"So what's the problem if it's all good Steve?" Rick wanted to know.
"Well, the economy is going to get into a recession if everyone were as wise and fortunate as I am."
"None of that stuff is made in America any more Steve."
"I know Andy, but it's the whole global economy that's at risk now. Not just one geographic location, but the entire world's economic health and welfare. I mean, if I tell too many people about this, they would see how right I am, and whole world's economy would collapse like a house of cards. It's a giant responsibility, knowing that you hold the key to the world's economic health inside of your mind."
"Yeah, I understand completely Steve. You're under an incredible amount of pressure."
"You know it Andy. But the great ones thrive under pressure. I guess it's my cross to bear for a couple of weeks. So I bear it willingly for the benefit of all mankind."
"We're proud to know you Steve!"
"So what are you guys doing for Valentine's Day?" I asked.
"Dinner and a movie." Bob replied. "I have cable now."
"Very nice idea Bob."
Andy looked over at me. "Well I've always had cable, and I don't like trees because they litter my yard every autumn. So I'm going to get my wife a beautiful card, some crawfish and we'll enjoy Judge Judy together by the fireplace."
"Different, Andy. Shows originality. I'm sure she'll love it!"
"Doesn't matter Steve. That's what she's getting." He replied with a smile.
I looked over to where One Draft Phil was sitting, only to discover he had evaporated again, leaving only a lone empty draft glass in his spot.
"Where did Phil go?" I asked.
"We don't know. He just vanished again."
Rick stood up from his seat. "Well I have to vanish too. But I'm certainly glad you brought up the Valentine's Day thing Steve. I think I'll go to the store and pick up a gift for my wife."
"That's really sweet of you Rick. She's a lucky lady." I said.
"Well it's sort of a gift for me too." Rick replied.
He turned and was walking toward the door, when he suddenly stopped.
"Hey, do any of you guys remember the name of that bug spray Heather had on last year?"
"No, but I think it was something like Eau De Shoo Fly, or something. They have it at the fragrance counter at Academy I think."
"Great. Thanks!" he smiled and turned toward the door.
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