By Steve Bussiere
I have, in my life, a few simple rules for life which are cast in stone.
Unfortunately, there are times that I inadvertently forget about them.
Ok, I'm human, and therefore prone to making errors from time to time, but I really wish I could cut down on the number of times I am forced to remind myself.
For instance, a couple of weeks ago my telephone rang. I glanced at the number on the display and saw an area code from which I have never been harassed.
Boredom is a dangerous thing.
Drinking a beer while wading through boredom, enhances the experience to the level that even I, with my tremendous (at times) self-control, am unable to pass up the opportunity to make a new friend.
So, being in my human state that evening, I reached out and picked up the telephone.
"Hello." I said.
Well I don't know about the rest of you folks, but when I do that to a previously unknown caller, I eagerly anticipate the warmth of a human voice, even if it's only attempting to entice me into purchasing something I neither need nor desire.
I normally hate automated phone calls, but as I said, I was really bored that night. So I listened intently. It was an automated survey.
Being bored and lonely and in need of some entertainment, I started pushing numbers randomly on the phone pad.
I guess they don't really check your answers against each other, because I responded that I was a male to one question and that I was pregnant to another.
I wonder if Pinnochio had stretch marks on his nose?
Well to make a long story short, at the end of the call I was informed that in appreciation for my taking this little exercise so seriously, I had been awarded an all expenses paid cruise for two to the Bahamas.
I hung up the phone after giving the automated operator my contact info and was informed that a representative from the cruise line would be contacting me to settle all of the arrangements for my cruise.
Well I may be a lot of things, but I was born at night, it just wasn't last night, so I sat and chuckled to myself, waiting for the baby to move in my womb.
When I told One Draft Phil, Andy and Bob about it the next day, we all had a chuckle over it.
A week went by and I had heard absolutely nothing from the cruise line, which surprised none of the square table charter members.
My son borrowed my car the other evening, and the next day I looked in the cup holder and there was all kinds of change in it.
It was my son's change. So I thought to myself that I was pretty lucky to find all of this money, even if it was only the change from the money I had given him in order that some fast food joint would remain solvent for another day.
When I arrived home that evening, there was voice mail on my phone, so I picked it up and went into shock when I discovered it was a representative of the cruise line wanting to get the details for my free cruise.
Then I thought about the cruise, which made me think about the movie Pirates of the Caribbean, which reminded me of the booty I had discovered in the cup holder that morning.
I've been on a cruise in the Western Caribbean before, but the Bahamas sounded intriguing.
I was torn inside.
Cruises are fun, but they have a limited history of ending really badly for me, so I was not nearly as ecstatic as a pregnant person should be over such a wonderful opportunity.
Bob wanted to know who I was going to take with me on this excursion into Wonderland.
"I'm not sure yet." I replied. "I think maybe this time I'll just take some woman I can't stand."
"Why would you do that?" Bob wanted to know.
"It's called defensive cruising Bob. You know, it's a variation on defensive driving, .. or dating."
I love to confuse Bob. He contorts his face into all kinds of ridiculous looking positions when I do it.
"Explain it to me." He continued. "I really have to hear this one!"
"Well, it's really very simple Bob. If I were to go with someone I really liked and it worked out like the last one, I'd just get hurt again. This time, when it doesn't work out, it'll be a happy ending for me. And you know how much I like happy endings."
"So who's the unlucky victim going to be? Have you given it any thought?"
"No, I haven't had enough time to yet." I replied.
"Heck maybe I just won't go on it."
"Are you nuts Steve? It's FREE man!"
"Nobody rides for free Bob, especially on The Love Boat."
"But think of all of that food you'll be passing up! Seafood, roast beef, I mean all kinds of amazing dishes. You've got to go!"
"Why am I not surprised that you thought of food Bob?"
"Well that's only one reason. There's a bunch of others I'll think of later Steve."
"Well, there may very well be Bob, but I don't want to hear them."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm not sure I want to go. I could get in a lot of trouble."
Bob smiled, shook his head and told me that I was being stupid.
"Not really Bob. I mean what if I go and they check the answers I punched in on the phone that night? I could be in a lot of trouble."
"How, could you be in a lot of trouble Steve?"
"Well for one thing, when they se me, they'll probably realize that I'm not really pregnant.
And there was other stuff I think I made up too."
"Hey, what can they possibly do Steve? You'll be in the middle of the Caribbean by then."
"Well, do you remember that when I made up all of those answers I was bored?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Well it made me think of the other spelling for bored, b o a r d."
"Yeah, like in all aboard, right?"
"No. Like a board, board. I don't want to walk the plank Bob. There are sharks and stuff out there."
"Not enough meat on you to interest them Steve."
"Maybe not now, but remember I'm eating for two these days."
"I'll take it under consideration Steve."
"Thanks Bob, but maybe you should go with me."
"Why would I go with you?"
"We could be Pirates man."
"You're already a loose cannon Steve."
"Yup. Full speed ahead matey!"
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