Bad Science - Time On My Hands

By Steve Bussiere

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There was a time in my life when I loved the advent of the long weekend.

That was back when I had someone to keep me in line, even if it was at the back of the line.

Don't misunderstand me, I still enjoy long weekends, but I never know what they have in store for me any more, which is an exciting thing.

Just this past weekend for instance, Memorial Day!

I always thought I knew what it meant, but I was in for a rude awakening this year.

One of my neighbors came by my place, and being hot and muggy, I told him to look in the refrigerator and help himself to any cold beverage he wanted.

"What do you have in there?" he asked me.

"I don't know." I replied. "There's a bunch of stuff in there I think. I don't like looking in it."

"Ok Steve, I'll check it out, I am pretty thirsty."

"Help yourself to anything." I said, "But if you find anything healthy in there you should leave it alone. It probably belongs to my son, or it's stale dated." I warned him.

Zack is a great big, happy go lucky guy from Arkansas, so I wasn't really worried about him going for anything healthy, but erring on the side of caution, I thought I should warn him.

Zack entered the bachelor pad and opened the refrigerator door.

I heard him rummaging through the contents and he returned in a short while carrying two cans of beer.

"I thought you might want one too Steve." he said as he handed one of the cans to me.

"Thanks Zack. That was really thoughtful of you."

Then he looked at me with a strange look in his eyes.

"Steve, that's not a refrigerator in there." he told me.

"What do you mean Zack?" I asked him. "What the heck do they call it in Arkansas? Ice boxes went out in the forties."

"Well, we would call it a refrigerator from the outside view, but when I looked inside, wow!"

"What do you mean, wow?" I asked.

"That's not a refrigerator Steve. It's a science experiment. … A science experiment gone really bad!"

I was crushed.

"Why would you say something so insensitive Zack? The beer is fresh."

"Yeah, but it's the other stuff in there that scares me." He replied.

"Like what?"

"Well you have something in there growing fur. It kind of looks like it was a zucchini."

"Couldn't be a zucchini Zack. I don't buy anything I can't spell. I think it may have been a cucumber."

"Oh I see. That's much easier to spell!"

"Don't you ever clean that thing out man?" he wondered aloud.

"Yeah, sure I do." I told him. "When the mood strikes me, or on long weekends, whichever comes later."

"Well it's a long weekend Steve. When are you going to get started?"

"I'm waiting for the mood to strike me. I'm a procrastinator."

"Well I hope it strikes you soon. You could cross contaminate the beer cans." Zack told me. "Or I guess you could clean the bathroom instead, if you needed something to do."

Suddenly the refrigerator thing began to look like a pretty inviting task.

"So where do you spend more time Steve, in the refrigerator or the bathroom?"

I hate being confused by people from Arkansas. It just ain't right, if you catch my drift.

"I pondered the question for a moment, and told him "Well one seems to lead to the other. It's like the itch/scratch cycle. It never ends!"

"Well, I have to get running Steve." Zack said as he finished his beer. "You may want to find your personal safety equipment so you don't get injured."

I watched him walk off toward his little corner of the world, and decided that he may be right. Refrigerator remediation time was upon me.

"C'mon by and have a drink any time." I called after him.

He looked back and grinned. "After you clean up the toxic spill Steve." he called back.

"It's Memorial Day Steve. You need to give that stuff a proper burial. But only after you say a few prayers."

"You think I'm going into that fridge without the aid of God Zack? It ain't gonna happen!"

Thank God, Playtex gloves and Lysol.

I took a deep breath and opened the door.

I actually thought it looked pretty good. It was reminiscent of an arboretum, in a manner of speaking.

I guess some people just don't appreciate nature the way others do.

To each his own.

It was a sad moment as I emptied the entire contents of the fridge and prepared for the Last Farewell.

I never had realized that a dumpster could be a holy place.

After a few moments of remembrance, I tossed the bag into the dumpster and returned to the bachelor pad.

I sadly opened the refrigerator door and glanced inside.

I had never realized that it could be such a cold and lonely place.

Melancholy filled my aching heart.

Then I thought of the bathroom.

A guy can only handle so much angst on one long weekend!

So I made an executive decision and wandered over to the grocery store.

There are times in one's life when you have to start anew, and I was on the brink of a brave new refrigerator world!

I suppose we'll just have to wait and see what grows out of all of this.

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