We Could Be Pirates

By Steve Bussiere

---

I wasn't invited, technically speaking, but Andy and One Draft Phil were having a meeting the other day when I wandered into The Triangle.

So after stopping by to flirt with the barmaid, I picked up my drink and wandered over to say hello.

I like sitting with Andy and One Draft. The conversation is always stimulating, if somewhat erratic.

Andy has been A.W.O.L. lately, so it was time to do a little catching up. "Where have you been hiding Andy? We were just about to put your picture on the side of a milk carton."

"I've been busy with work." he replied. "That's a good thing too. Judging from everything I've seen and read in the news lately."

Phil and I both agreed whole heartedly. "What if your business goes south Andy? Have you given any consideration to a backup plan?" Phil asked.

"Not really. I work for myself, so my job is pretty safe. How about you Steve? Do you have a back up plan for yourself?"

I had to admit that I didn't because I can be ridiculously optimistic at times, but I told them I was working on one anyway. I just lack direction sometimes.

"There's no roadmap to success Steve." Phil pointed out.

"Maybe that's why I haven't found it! That's a relief!!!"

"No Steve, relief is over there, in the corner, first door on the right."

"That sounds strangely like a roadmap to success if you ask me."

"You're only on your first beer. Maybe it will be later but you need a couple of more first."

That's why I like those guys. They're deep thinkers with a lot of vision. At times it may be double vision, but it's still vision. I really try to learn from those guys.

"Hey Andy, where on God's green earth is Somalia? You're a world traveler, so you probably know."

Andy looked up and told me "Oh, it's over on the coast of Africa, why? Are you thinking of emigrating again?"

"Well, I'm kinda sorta kicking the idea around in my head. You know, have a backup plan."

"It's a dangerous place these days Steve"

"What is? My head?"

"No, well maybe, but I was talking about Somalia."

"Do you know anything at all about Somalia Steve?"

"Yeah, it's on the coast of Africa. You told me so. Why?"

"Because there is no government there."

"That might be a good thing Andy."

"Maybe not Steve. No government, think about it, who's going to bail out the failing businesses there." Phil asked.

I pondered that question for a moment. "Well, do they make cars in Somalia?" I asked.

"No they don't. I'm not even sure that they have roads, why?"

"Well, if they don't have a government, there may be an opening for a guy who has run a Republic before. It's job creation. I'm formulating a back up plan, which I already told you."

"Well you may very well be doing that Steve, but what do you have to offer them?"

"Well, they don't have car manufacturers, so I figure I've already saved them 14 billion dollars, and I'm not even there yet."

"Well I don't even know what currency they use in Somalia Steve. It could be Kroners for all I know."

"They have grocery stores there?"

"No, KRONERS Steve!"

"Yeah, I knew that. But I can change the currency."

"Change it to what Steve?"

"Monopoly Money Phil. I found a website where you can print as much of it as you want."

"Monopoly Money?!! It has no value!"

"Yeah, well the way we're going here, there's not much difference."

"He has a point Phil. But Steve, Somalia is being run by pirates at the moment."

"That doesn't scare me Andy. Besides, I could have a presidential yacht or something."

"Presidential speed boat is more likely. Do you think you could handle the pirates?"

"Yep. I invaded Mexico a couple of years ago, don't you remember?"

"Yes that's right, but as I recall the lady who was with you dumped you shortly after that little fiasco."

"That's true, but I'm a single guy now, so I don't need to worry about that happening again. Besides, from what I hear those pirates aren't too bright themselves."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, if I remember correctly, they hijacked an oil tanker and got 3 million dollars ransom for releasing it."

"Oh, catch and release program, huh?"

"Well they got 3 million bucks Steve."

"Yeah, but a bunch of them drowned when they took off with the cash. They should have started on a smaller scale and took swimming lessons before they did the super tanker thing. These guys need guidance, and I'm just the guy to provide it."

Andy looks kind of funny with tequila squirting out of his nose.

"Look. It's not funny Andy! If I install the Monopoly Money treasury, there will no longer be a need for them to hijack oil tankers, which was stupid anyway. Oil was 145 dollars a barrel when they hijacked it and now it's down to 40 dollars. That's not a very good business plan in retrospect."

"Well you're starting to make a little more sense now Steve." Phil said. "Which scares me."

"Hey, when I take over, you guys can come help me out. You know fix up the place. Work out deals with other governments who'll pay us to not hijack their ships. All of that foreign policy stuff."

"Yeah, and we could be pirates Steve."

"Yeah, but not pirates in the Caribbean. That doesn't work out very well for me."

---