Take Me Out Of The Ballgame - Time On My Hands

By Steve Bussiere

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Once every four years, I know exactly how those UN War Zone Observers are feeling. And this just happens to be one of those years.

Primaries, leading to fatality, or ecstasy, depending upon what corner you happen to be standing in. Andy, Bob, Phil and I were watching CNN the other day. Full coverage of the Primaries! Exciting stuff! The stuff that dreams are made of, if you happen to have that type of dream pattern.

"Who are you going to vote for Steve?" they wondered aloud.

"Nobody." I replied.

"Why in the world aren't you going to vote? It's your civic duty."

"Well, for one thing, I don't have my citizenship yet."

"That doesn't stop other people from doing it Steve."

"When are you going to get your citizenship? I thought you were working on it?" asked Bob.

"I'm watching the calendar closely guys. And I'm watching these primaries closely as well."

"I understand the primaries thing, but why the calendar?"

"Because, I don't want to be responsible, for a change."

"Responsible for what Steve?"

"For the next four years. I'm doing a very careful study of the entire system, the options and the fallout. I have to tell you, I'm not really ecstatic about what I'm seeing. And I'm studying for the exam. There's a long wait to get your citizenship, but I don't want to get it until after November."

"Ok Steve." Said Andy, "But if you had a vote today, who'd be your choice?"

I had to reply that I really didn't know, which was a relief.

I sat there, smugly thinking to myself that I was off the hook.

"Well, why don't you know?" they continued.

"I've been watching everything as an interested observer. I read the paper every day. I watch the reports on television. I read opinions on the Internet. And I listen to the radio as well."

"Whom do you listen to on the radio?"

"Well, lately I've been following that Rush Lim-Bah-Humbug fellow. You know the EIBS Network. You know, the Excellence In B.S. entity. He's very astute. He says so every day! But, even he doesn't like the choices, and he knows everything."

"I got an e mail a while ago with a picture of a bumper sticker on a car in Kentucky. It said, "Monica Lewinsky's ex-boyfriend's wife for President." I thought that was rather humorous, but told the truth about the options in a nutshell. I think all of this stuff is making me jaded."

"Well Bill was rather excited about his wife's chances."

"Yeah, but I figured all of that out. He heard it was an election year, but he's hard of hearing. He thought it was an erection year, and if his wife was to win, he'd have another shot at the Ova Office."

"Well she says she's better qualified than her opponent. She's done a lot."

"Yeah, I heard she's going to clean up The White House."

"I heard she did that for eight years, so I guess she is qualified. But then there was those Staff Infections that were happening. It'll be a huge job! Especially, if you're doing all that, as well as trying to clean up the rest of the world. You'd need a broom the size of a 747!"

"I hear she has one of those lined up. Air Force One!"

"Well then Steve, if you were a citizen, which party would you be affiliated with right now?"

"Neither. At the moment I'm still learning."

"I'm sure that that's a relief to both of them. But since you're studying for the exam, if you could pick anyone in America to lead the nation, who would you pick?"

"That's a tricky question. I would have said Groucho Marx, but then I'd be accused of being a Marxist. Not a good handle to have. But probably I'd say Will Rogers."

"He's dead Steve."

"I know. It's a shame, really. I think we need another person like him. Not a dead person, but a sensible one. The return of sensible times. In his day a lobbyist was someone who hung around in hotels, and they didn't let them run the country back in those days. They didn't even let them run the elevator."

"You're right Steve. I guess maybe people were a lot smarter back then!"

"Probably. They thought for themselves because they weren't bombarded with CNN or EIBS."

"Anyway, this is getting kind of old. What do you say we talk about religion now?"

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Focus, Focus, Focus - Time On My Hands

By Steve Bussiere

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I met Bob the other day, but to tell the truth I was a little out of sorts at the time. Well, to tell the real truth, I was probably a lot out of sorts. In retrospect, that may have been a good thing.

"What's up Steve?" he asked me.

Well, I'm not paranoid normally, but to be honest, I may have been a touch neurotic at the time.

"I don't know man." I responded. "Did you ever have a weird feeling about anything?"

"Only when I talk to you bud. Why?"

"Well, I was thinking about an old column I read in The Toronto Sun, years ago, and it started me thinking about things."

As I mentioned recently, I love to screw up Bob's mind and watch his face contort. I have to tell you that it isn't nearly as much fun when the tables are turned on you.

"Don't start thinking now Steve. It doesn't become you."

"Ah, you just don't understand Bob."

"Understand what Steve?"

"There was a guy back in the olden days, who had a column just like I do."

"And?"

"Well, he did a column on horoscope signs once. It was funny at the time, but now I think that maybe he knew what he was talking about."

"And why, pray tell would you think such an absurd thing?"

"Because I'm a fish."

"What? Are you going to school again or something?"

"No. I'm a Pisces man, the sign of the fish."

"Well, you drink like one sometimes, but what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that he wrote a description of each of the zodiac signs, and they were kind of funny, but kind of true at the same time.

"Ok, so explain that one to me."

"Well Bob, for Pisces it said you are a paranoid person. You often think that you are being followed by the FBI or the CIA."

"I like it Steve. What did it say for Leo?"

"Well it was a long time ago, but I think it was something about Leo's being incredibly boring. They often fall asleep while making love and that they would make great bus drivers. I'm not really sure of that. It was back in 1974 or something, so my memory is a bit foggy."

"I'm a Leo Steve."

"Terminal. Everybody out please."

"Well anyway, what's the big deal about? Why are you suddenly feeling like it was true what the guy wrote?"

"Cause there's this weird guy who's been following me around with a cell phone."

"Really!"

"Yes, really! It's scary Bob."

"Why's that Steve? Is it because it's a guy?"

"No. It's partly because he's been following me around, but it's more than that. He holds the damn thing up in front of him like he's trying to exorcise an evil spirit or something."

"Really? So, is he one of those paparazzi guys, or what?"

"Shoot, I have no idea. But I know he's not a spy."

"How do you know that?"

"Spies are subtle man. They keep a low profile. I've read a lot of Ken Follett and Robert Ludlum stuff."

"So what do think he's up to?"

"Well, I've been giving that matter a lot of thought Bob, and he follows me with the danged cell phone all over the place, holding it up and trying to hide in the crowds, but I see him, only he has no idea that I do."

"Where does he do it?"

"Everywhere man, at The Ice House, parties, you name it."

"Well what do you think he's doing? He can't hurt you with a cell phone."

"That's what you think Bob. But you're wrong. Those things take video now. Video that can end up in places like "My Space" or "You Tube." We're living in dangerous times Bob. There are evil people everywhere. Greedy, evil people."

"Why do you think the guy is greedy Steve? I mean, I see the evil thing, kind of."

"I think he's trying to get incriminating stuff on me or something. I think he wants my job writing the column. It's an ego thing. And ego is evil, just like him, the greedy, evil person with the damn video shooting cell phone."

"Well Steve, you know that's kind of interesting."

"Why so Bob?"

"Some guy has been calling me and saying he wants to take over your column."

"So what did you tell him?"

"I told him that I don't care what kind of dirt he came up with. I do videos and that I know you can edit them and make anything look like anything you'd like. It's like splicing old movie takes together, only without the Scotch Tape."

"You're a very wise man Bob. How did he take it?"

"He didn't take it very well, to tell you the truth. But he still wants the job."

"So what did you say Bob?"

"I told him that it doesn't pay very well."

"Did that discourage him?"

"No, not really, I think it's an ego problem or something along those lines."

"Well did you say anything else to him?"

"Not really very much Steve, I told him I didn't care and that if he didn't like it he could just him to go tell it to the Judge."

"Thanks Bob. I feel a whole lot better now!"

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