We Could Be Pirates

By Steve Bussiere

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I wasn't invited, technically speaking, but Andy and One Draft Phil were having a meeting the other day when I wandered into The Triangle.

So after stopping by to flirt with the barmaid, I picked up my drink and wandered over to say hello.

I like sitting with Andy and One Draft. The conversation is always stimulating, if somewhat erratic.

Andy has been A.W.O.L. lately, so it was time to do a little catching up. "Where have you been hiding Andy? We were just about to put your picture on the side of a milk carton."

"I've been busy with work." he replied. "That's a good thing too. Judging from everything I've seen and read in the news lately."

Phil and I both agreed whole heartedly. "What if your business goes south Andy? Have you given any consideration to a backup plan?" Phil asked.

"Not really. I work for myself, so my job is pretty safe. How about you Steve? Do you have a back up plan for yourself?"

I had to admit that I didn't because I can be ridiculously optimistic at times, but I told them I was working on one anyway. I just lack direction sometimes.

"There's no roadmap to success Steve." Phil pointed out.

"Maybe that's why I haven't found it! That's a relief!!!"

"No Steve, relief is over there, in the corner, first door on the right."

"That sounds strangely like a roadmap to success if you ask me."

"You're only on your first beer. Maybe it will be later but you need a couple of more first."

That's why I like those guys. They're deep thinkers with a lot of vision. At times it may be double vision, but it's still vision. I really try to learn from those guys.

"Hey Andy, where on God's green earth is Somalia? You're a world traveler, so you probably know."

Andy looked up and told me "Oh, it's over on the coast of Africa, why? Are you thinking of emigrating again?"

"Well, I'm kinda sorta kicking the idea around in my head. You know, have a backup plan."

"It's a dangerous place these days Steve"

"What is? My head?"

"No, well maybe, but I was talking about Somalia."

"Do you know anything at all about Somalia Steve?"

"Yeah, it's on the coast of Africa. You told me so. Why?"

"Because there is no government there."

"That might be a good thing Andy."

"Maybe not Steve. No government, think about it, who's going to bail out the failing businesses there." Phil asked.

I pondered that question for a moment. "Well, do they make cars in Somalia?" I asked.

"No they don't. I'm not even sure that they have roads, why?"

"Well, if they don't have a government, there may be an opening for a guy who has run a Republic before. It's job creation. I'm formulating a back up plan, which I already told you."

"Well you may very well be doing that Steve, but what do you have to offer them?"

"Well, they don't have car manufacturers, so I figure I've already saved them 14 billion dollars, and I'm not even there yet."

"Well I don't even know what currency they use in Somalia Steve. It could be Kroners for all I know."

"They have grocery stores there?"

"No, KRONERS Steve!"

"Yeah, I knew that. But I can change the currency."

"Change it to what Steve?"

"Monopoly Money Phil. I found a website where you can print as much of it as you want."

"Monopoly Money?!! It has no value!"

"Yeah, well the way we're going here, there's not much difference."

"He has a point Phil. But Steve, Somalia is being run by pirates at the moment."

"That doesn't scare me Andy. Besides, I could have a presidential yacht or something."

"Presidential speed boat is more likely. Do you think you could handle the pirates?"

"Yep. I invaded Mexico a couple of years ago, don't you remember?"

"Yes that's right, but as I recall the lady who was with you dumped you shortly after that little fiasco."

"That's true, but I'm a single guy now, so I don't need to worry about that happening again. Besides, from what I hear those pirates aren't too bright themselves."

"Why would you think that?"

"Well, if I remember correctly, they hijacked an oil tanker and got 3 million dollars ransom for releasing it."

"Oh, catch and release program, huh?"

"Well they got 3 million bucks Steve."

"Yeah, but a bunch of them drowned when they took off with the cash. They should have started on a smaller scale and took swimming lessons before they did the super tanker thing. These guys need guidance, and I'm just the guy to provide it."

Andy looks kind of funny with tequila squirting out of his nose.

"Look. It's not funny Andy! If I install the Monopoly Money treasury, there will no longer be a need for them to hijack oil tankers, which was stupid anyway. Oil was 145 dollars a barrel when they hijacked it and now it's down to 40 dollars. That's not a very good business plan in retrospect."

"Well you're starting to make a little more sense now Steve." Phil said. "Which scares me."

"Hey, when I take over, you guys can come help me out. You know fix up the place. Work out deals with other governments who'll pay us to not hijack their ships. All of that foreign policy stuff."

"Yeah, and we could be pirates Steve."

"Yeah, but not pirates in the Caribbean. That doesn't work out very well for me."

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What’s Behind Door #2?

By Steve Bussiere

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I love when my son comes home for a visit.

Okay, I lied, but I love when my son comes home for a visit except for one minor inconvenience. Is that better?

Good!

He is a great young man and a lot of fun to be around except for the fact that the entire Swinging Bachelor Pad is turned even more upside down than I make it on my own with my out of control lifestyle.

I have a neighbor of the female persuasion who dropped over a while ago to say hi, so I invited her in for a cup of coffee.

I thought the place was a mess, but she's kind of good looking so I figured, what the hell.

The swinging bachelor pad is decorated in early depression motif, which is bad enough, but that particular evening it was more like disorganized early depression motif.

I try to keep it clean, but there are seven days in a week and I, coincidentally, happen to have access to seven dinner plates.

It's a nice marriage.

Under normal circumstances I put the dirty dishes in the sink, because I just couldn't be bothered opening the dish washer to put them in.

That was exactly the case when my friend came in for a cup of coffee or three.

She is a very pretty lady who is named after a particular, upscale brand of car.

The Wizard calls her Cadillac. I'm not sure of his exact reason for this, because she is named after a different car, but I have my suspicions as to his intentions.

I ain't right, but The Wizard at times is even more, less right, than even I can descend to.

I think he wants to do a test drive. That's purely speculation on my part, but you have to follow your gut feeling sometimes.

Cadillac gazed around my place and settled down in a chair while I poured her a cup of steaming effluence. "Do you live here alone?" she asked, her eyes taking in the surroundings like a dried up sponge dropped into a mud puddle.

"Yes I do." I replied as I watched her big brown eyes surveying the carnage.

"Really?" she continued. "It's really clean! For a single guy's place."

I was slightly taken aback at that one. I knew that I hadn't added anything to her coffee, and I know she doesn't need glasses. "Are you kidding?" I asked. "It's pretty much a mess at the moment."

I find clutter comforting at times, I suppose because it makes me feel like someone else is living there as well.

"If you think this is clean for a single guy, you ought to see the Wizard's apartment. He keeps it spotless."

We sat and talked for about half an hour.

"Well I have to go now Steve." she said as she rose up from her chair. "Thank you for the coffee."

I walked her out to her car and we said our goodbyes. "I'd like to see you again sometime." She said. I smiled a self satisfied smile for a nanosecond. "You make very good coffee for a Canadian guy."

As she drove away, I wondered how many other Canadian guys she has had coffee with.

I wondered how her place looks. I mean. If she thought mine was clean."

Then I re-entered the Bachelor Pad and thought about our visit.

She is from way, way down south, and I am from way, way up north.

She thinks my accent is cute.

I think her accent is sexy.

She is named after a stylish automobile.

Hey, I have a Republic named for me! Not a Banana Republic, but hell, it's a Republic.

I wondered to myself if that makes me a Republican?

I wondered to myself that if she is from way, way down south, and I am from way, way up north, if that would constitute a bi-polar relationship.

But if it constituted a bi-polar relationship, that would just be crazy!

All of my wondering was interrupted by a knock at my door.

"Ah, she's come back!" I thought to myself, as I smiled broadly.

I wandered over to the door, and confidently turned the knob.

I put on my best smile and pulled the door open, fully expecting to look into those big brown Columbian eyes.

"Hey Mate! What are you up to?"

Well that sure deflated my self-satisfied cockiness.

"Oh, howdy Wiz. I'm not doing anything. I just had a visitor, and I thought that you may have been her, returning or something."

"Why? Did she forget something?"

"Yeah, she forgot to fall in lust with me I guess."

"Well, was she good looking Mate?"

"I don't let ugly women in the Bachelor Pad Wiz. I'm not that kind of guy."

"Well what do you do with the ugly ones then?"

"I usually send them over to your place Wiz."

"Well then, that would explain all the knocks at my door lately."

"So what do you do with them Wiz?"

"I don't do anything Mate. I've stopped answering knocks at my door."

"Why so, Wiz?"

"Because it's always an ugly woman when I answer it."

"Did anyone knock at your door tonight, Wiz?"

"Yes, Mate, just a couple of minutes ago, why?"

"And you didn't answer?"

"No way Mate, I just told you I don't. Why do you ask?"

"Because it was your birthday present from me."

"Really? And what did you get me?"

"I tried to send you a Cadillac."

"Shivers Mate! I should have answered the damn door."

"Yup, you should have. I told her your place is clean."

"I think I need a drink Mate."

"C'mon in and have a few drinks, then."

I turned and smiled to myself.

He didn't open the present I sent him, so I figured that the very least I could do was to insure that if anyone else knocked at his door that night, he would think she was pretty.

Hey, it's just the kind of guy that I am!

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