Oh No, I’ve Been “Googled”

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

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I received an e-mail from an old friend recently. I hadn't heard from him this millennium, and had wondered where he was these days.

So I e-mailed back, to catch up on what had transpired in his life since we last communicated.

To make a long story short, he's still as boring as he ever was, and as a result, absolutely nothing has happened in his life, …. for a very long time.

He has no idea of how fortunate he is!

So I asked how he had located me.

"I Googled you." he replied.

Well to be absolutely honest, I was taken aback. Hey, I'm a guy! I don't think guys don't like getting Googled! It's unnatural or something.

He told me that I was at the top of the list, so he knew I'd been "Googled" a lot lately. "You've been hit on a bunch, judging from what I can see." He told me.

For some strange reason I felt violated!

(But kind of exciting, in a perverse sort of way.)

Well after regaining my composure I made an executive decision.

I headed to "Papa's" for a beer.

Jeez, I was shook up. I'm a single guy, who survived the sixties and seventies, but knowing you've been "Googled" would probably shake up anyone I know.

I mean, I've been to the Doctor for the prostate thing, (which wasn't a lot of fun really) but being "Googled!" Man, that was upsetting, even to an unbalanced individual like myself.

So I got into the car, damp hands shaking, turned the key in the ignition, shoved the car into "Drive", and got the heck out of the neighborhood as quickly as my Firestones would take me.

It's not easy driving when your heart is beating out of control, and your feet are shaking nearly as badly as your hands.

Somehow I made it in one piece, shut off the engine and got out of my vehicle. I took a veeeery deep breath, and proceeded to the entrance, vainly attempting to look as nonchalant as possible.

As I entered "Papa's", it felt as though every eye in the place was staring at me.

So I looked at the assembled throng and smiled confidently.


"Give me a Bud Light please." I said to the barmaid, who smiled broadly at me in response. She deftly reached down and plopped an icy bottle on the bar. And she smiled some more.

I picked the bottle up with one of my sweaty shaking hands and took a sip.

"God, ….she knows!" I thought to myself.

I turned around and it seemed like everyone was smiling at me.

"What are y'all smiling about?" I asked defensively. "It's Saturday Steve. What's your problem?"

I hesitated for a second, and then figure it was time to be honest. "I just got "Googled" by a friend of mine."

"No kidding? How's it feel?" Alton asked me.

Alton doesn't "Do" computers, so I immediately felt a whole lot worse than I did when I walked in the door. Everybody sitting at the table giggled at his comment, because they can be like children, and children can be cruel.

Alton called the waitress over, "Hey, have you ever Googled Steve? Apparently he's been getting a lot of Google lately." She smiled and blurted out, "Not yet," and she kind of blushed, " .. but I don't have anything going on tonight." She continued. "Maybe I'll just stay in and Google him at home."

Apparently some people found this funny, although I don't know why. Carl came over to the table and tossed in his two cents worth. "Have you ever Googled yourself Steve?"

"Well, yeah I have." I admitted sheepishly. "everybody does it. But you have to be careful, because it can be addictive." "How'd it feel?" Carl asked, and everybody started to chuckle.

I would have gotten a lot more upset, but I know Rhonda will fix him for it.

Then Rich, my "Sole Brother" from a previous column, asked how often I Googled myself, and he smiled too.

"You trying to tell me you've never ever Googled yourself? Not even when you were home alone?" I countered. "Nope! I don't need to. I have a girlfriend." (I think he was bragging.)
"I let her Google me. She likes doing that."

"Well what's the result when she does?" I asked. "Oh, it's a mess. I show up way down the list." He fired back. "Well I guess you don't get Googled enough." I relied.

All of this Google talk was getting out of hand.

"Look! I don't want to talk about it anymore." I said. "It's a very personal thing!"

I looked over towards Alton, "It's really nort funny ya know. You meet people at a bar, they get your name, then they go home and Google you! And you don't even realize it's happening sometimes."

"Don't get so worked up about it Steve." he said.

"You're right, Alton." I answered. "But I'm getting out of here and heading back to the house. And since you think it's so danged funny, I think I'm gonna Google you when I get there!"

The chuckling stopped right then and there!

Until Alton smiled and said, "You can try, ….. but I'll tell you now, I ain't that kind of guy!"

So if you're reading this, I dare you to go home tonight and try it. Try "Googling" yourself tonight.

But I bet you'll like it so much that you do it more than once!!!