Shake Your Booty

The "Un" Real Texas By Steve Bussiere, humorist

---

I was sitting in the rear of Papa's, when Rich walked over to me.

"Whazzup?" he asked.

"Trying to write my column." I replied.

"Trying?" he asked.

"Very." I responded.

Rich shook his head. "What's it about?". I told him it was about my cruise, "You know, the Invasion of Mexico."

"Well, pardon me for saying it, but you look kind of stressed. Must be the ice water you're drinking."

Rich is a good guy, but he knows nothing about the stress of an invasion.

"It's supposed to be a humorous column, but I'm depressed." I told him. "You look it." he said. "But you looked pretty relaxed when you came back. You had a nice tan too."

"It was the umbrella drinks, and my cell phone didn't work."

"Well what happened between then and now?" he asked me.

"Life."

"Huh?"

"You know. Kids, bills, …no more umbrella drinks, … all that kind of thing."

"Well the umbrella thing I can see, but the other stuff is normal life Steve. Don't let it get you down."

"Yeah right. But then there's the fact the invasion didn't go down very well."

"What do you mean? You looked pretty happy when you got back. I saw you."

"I had a Jeep and drove all around the Island trying to find people to conquer."

"Well, didn't you find any?" He looked at me quizzickly.

"Yeah, bunches of them."

"Well what happened?"

"I tried to get them to surrender."

"And?"

"They didn't."

"Why not?"

"Guess I'm a lousy invader or something. Might have been the damned skinny legs. May have been the fact I shaved before I got off the bloody ship."

"The fact you shaved?!!!"

"Yeah, I think invader types usually have beards or something. It adds to the intimidation factor. And I think they have better legs or something."

"Yeah, you might be onto something there." He smiled, (or stifled a laugh). "You know you could go to the doctor and talk to him. They have happy pills for depressed people."

"Happy people make even lousier conquerors than I was."

"Well what did you do or say to get them to surrender anyway?"

"Well, the only people I met who spoke English were the tourists on the beach. So there wasn't any sense in conquering tourists as near as I could tell."

"And?"

"Well my Spanish is close to non existent. So I yelled at them."

"What did you yell?"

"I forgot my spanish/English dictionary at home so I yelled the only thing I could think of in Spanish."
"What was that?"

"Cerveza!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Then what happened?"

"Well, at least I scared them I think."

"Why's that Steve?"

"Cause they all started to try and suck up to me. They brought me beer! I think they were trying to make friends with me or something. It kind of worked I guess. You lose your ferocity after a few beers, …so we made friends instead, which really sucks when you're trying to be a conqueror. I read that somewhere."

"You know what Cerveza means in Spanish, right Steve?"

"Yeah it means surrender I think."

"Only if you're a chick." he replied.

"And what about your sweetie? What did she think of it?"

"I don't think she was real impressed. Not even one bloody person surrendered."

"What else did you do?"

"Oh, I wanted to see where the Mayan's lived. So we looked around, avoiding lizards and stuff for a while."

"How was that?"

"It sucked too. All I saw was a bunch of messed up rocks. I think I know why they left now. The place was ruined. I could have just gone to that Houston Gardens place and looked at the gravel pile. Would have saved a lot of money too."

"So you didn't bring back any treasure I guess, huh?"

"Nope. They have a casino on the ship and I tried to win a bunch so I could fool everybody."

"No luck"

"Oh yeah. All kinds of luck. …..But it was the bad kind. So I'm depressed."

"Hey, what's that picture there?"

"They take one of you and your sweetie before the formal dinner night. We were on our way to the dining room."

"Nice picture."

"Thanks."

"Looks like a treasure to me."

"Yeah, it really is." I replied.

"It's all I've got now. I lost my booty in the casino."